I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
