i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
