his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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