how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
