My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
