My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
