I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i've created a new STD.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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