At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
