He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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