if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
