The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
