I think I won the penis lottery.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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