He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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