If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
