dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
