she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
