It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
