everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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