U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
