just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
