i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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