Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize