Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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