I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
