You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
