atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
