If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
