I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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