I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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