Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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