I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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