im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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