you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
