i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize