Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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