Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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