You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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