That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
