Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
