Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
