remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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