whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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