everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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