I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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