I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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