Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
