i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
