Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
