So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I am available for nakedness
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
