Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
