Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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