First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
