God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
