Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
