The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize