i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
