i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
