My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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