I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
